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Jan. 15th, 2006 09:58 am

I think I'm getting depressed again. I also don't plan to write much here anymore. you can check my other journal dorascrapbook, but it's very self-involved and not really made for people to comment on. it's the nature of what i'm trying to do with that other journal, a conversation with myself, thinking about myself, studying myself. this one was more about myself in relation to other, communicating.

always me me me anyway


Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: little red rocket- lost souls low tones

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Nov. 19th, 2005 08:02 am

I'm going to attempt an experiment: to learn from my mistakes, because I can't sleep and to balance a bit the self-loving entries I made lately.
That is trying to write about myself the way I did with "them" (pseudo-intellectuals or whatever).

I'll try to be objective and/but I won't put the same degree of contempt in my own description because uhm, it's not an healthy thing to do for someone with depression. I cannot really be too detached sorry. I try.

I always over-react. When I'm confronted with distorting mirrors of myself I just can't help but become even more stubborn than usual. I keep banging my head against a virtual wall. The picture of what I could have been if I had been different shakes me up and I crack for a short while. It's almost like I'm not sure if I can be myself anymore. Two roads open up, one is clinging desperately to my ways, the other retire and apologize and formally accept that we all have our ways. I do one and the other and when I get more shit I end up writing here like the dysfunctional person that I am.
If they weren't so similar to me in some things there wouldn't be any problem. They would just be like aliens and I couldn't even attempt to communicate with them. But no, they are what I could be, what I could have been if things had been different. We read the same books, listened to the same music, appreciated the same works of art. Have similar problems. I feel like I'm murdering my brothers sometimes, and that I have to to save them from straying away. I become preachy and confront enemies the same way an abusing mother educated her son. Kick them and they'll learn.
I alternate between niceness---no, kindness, and this contempt I call pity. I'm never sure. I cannot be sure if I'm right or wrong, and I don't mean if my IDEAS are right or wrong. I mean as in AM I MYSELF RIGHT OR WRONG? It's my personality based on illusion? I tell them their is, but am I actually telling myself so? (note: my god this is starting to be very stream-of-consciouness, making barely sense)
I become illogical, trying to show how logic isn't everything I lose everyting that is logic. Trying to reach a complex vision I end up being too simple. It's like I see and feel everything at once and I can't explain it entirely. It either comes out as confusing and watered-down or fixed and dead.
My point is that everybody and everything is right, but I cannot really say it and then I end up showing only one side of things. I act like people could read my mind just because we have read the same books. It feels like I never make any progress, I just keep myself from regressing.

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Nov. 19th, 2005 07:44 am

There is nothing like scaring them, and see how they pretend not to be scared. I know from experience that when you are scared you become aggressive. But there's a time when you accept someone might get hurt and apologize, or at least let go. I'm afraid and angry, but I retain some feeling of respect for others. I'm able to apologize, or to let go, I think it takes courage to do so in a world where courage is mistaken for cowardice.
Those who think they are superior are never ready I don't say to admit their mistakes but to pretend to at least and smooth things out. They love a good argument. Mostly they are really scared deep down inside. I'm scared as well,
Of course you can't win with them, but deep down inside you know you already won so many times. The people who are nice to you, inspired by you, show it. No amount of twisting your words and freaking out when confronted with a part of the truth they cannot deal with can take this away.
Vision becomes confusion, courage becomes cowardice, feelings becomes cliché, pride becomes arrogance in their minds. Unable to entertain two contrasting ideas at the same time. They think is not logical I guess. Like the world could be explained adding 2 and 2. They get scared of seeing the big picture, it seems so hostile and sterile to their immature minds. Movement, fighting, emotions they can't deal with and yet they are soo emotional. Emotions are not feelings, a scheme is not a vision like Cohen used to say. They need art to shake them up because otherwise they are the ones being sterile and dry , I need it to calm myself down and reach a state of bliss because I'm already troubled by too much feeling as it is.

Tonight/today my self-esteem is going way up and way down. Usual cyber-fights with stereotypical youth. I might be a stereotype as well, the starry-eyed artist one, but at least MY stereotype is slightly more civil than theirs.

Current Mood: i seriously don't know

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Nov. 19th, 2005 12:14 am

Sometimes, even in the more heated argument when I'm forced to confron the shadowy not so nice parts of myself, I still take pride in my ability to size up people in a way that is almost amazing. Maybe I just comfort myself with the belief I understood someone while they didn't understand me, maybe I just put this talent on a scale that weighs heavy from stubborness and arrogance on the other side. Still it's something I can do. Not that I can do much else, so it's allright.

Current Mood: awakeawake
Current Music: something by christy moore

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Oct. 12th, 2005 04:18 pm

There's always something wrong. I can't have relationships of any kind, even though I love people especially certain people. I try to do my best but I guess I'll end up acting like John or something. But I don't think so, maybe a bit...some people, they are too sensitive, even more than me I guess. I think she needs help more than an apology, and I mean it in a nice way. What the hell, I'm not making sense at all today. Bad cold, now sadness and anxiety.

Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed

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Sep. 22nd, 2005 10:48 pm about singing and the new ryan album

What's up with people saying he's getting worse on the last couple records, and that he can't sing?

Are we listening to the same Ryan Adams? The best singer of my generation? Last time I checked unless you're singing opera singing wasn't about hitting all the right notes. Sure, that's one big part of good singing. but more important are sounding effortless and smooth and moving. The man can sing any damn way he likes it, no matter which register he is in he always sounds comfortable.

He never sounds like he's trying hard to do something and failing at it. That's what bad singing is. I like bad singing as well sometimes, as long as it's emotionally charged, but in this case he's simply singing STUNNINGLY.

Current Mood: quixoticquixotic
Current Music: Ryan Adams- The End

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Sep. 18th, 2005 05:11 pm

Well...slowly slowly, the Devil's Blue Ribbon is taking shape. I'm trying to adjust the volume at the same level but I can't. I need to work on it a lot, even though the songs themselves and the mix etc. is ready.

It's supposed to be lo-fi but it's also supposed not to make people (people with a good musical taste at least) run away *too* scared.

My lyrics and my voice are already scary, and my playing is scary as well even though not in a good way I'd say. So the quality of sound can't be "too" fucked up I guess.

Current Mood: artisticartistic
Current Music: Beth Orton- I Wish I Never Saw The Sunshine

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Aug. 27th, 2005 06:52 pm

Some people really have a strange perception of what sucky means. Now everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but not liking something just because it doesn't give you indie cred it's not having an opinion.

And sadly that's what some people do.

Current Mood: nauseatednauseated
Current Music: Orenda Fink- Invisible Ones Guard The Gate

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Aug. 24th, 2005 03:34 am

++ orenda fink's new brand site. her myspace page. the album i'm going to get soon..
++ saddle creek's DVD that I probably can order at FNAC without having to do strange tricks with credit cards.
++ my period doesn't hurt
++ mood okay

--bit anxious
--john (obviously)
--i can't fucking join a bright eyes community except one where people act like HUMAN BEINGS. Not silly teenyboppers, not intellectuals trying to pose as ignorant teenagers because it's cool, not idiots with no idea of humor is, not zombies that don't post at all. Thank god for lovenothing.
-i have to study geography
-gretta leaving cursive

+- my pretty little depressing album is half finished but I suspect it sucks
+-going back to work at the end of this month

Current Mood: uncomfortableuncomfortable
Current Music: the mollys- on we go

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Aug. 9th, 2005 09:32 pm

You might "own" me, but I own all the words.

Current Mood: bitchybitchy
Current Music: Elliott Smith- Speed Trials

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