Collapsar

I think I'm getting depressed again. I also don't plan to write much here anymore. you can check my other journal dorascrapbook, but it's very self-involved and not really made for people to comment on. it's the nature of what i'm trying to do with that other journal, a conversation with myself, thinking about myself, studying myself. this one was more about myself in relation to other, communicating.

always me me me anyway

blah

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: little red rocket- lost souls low tones

I'm going to attempt an experiment: to learn from my mistakes, because I can't sleep and to balance a bit the self-loving entries I made lately.
That is trying to write about myself the way I did with "them" (pseudo-intellectuals or whatever).

I'll try to be objective and/but I won't put the same degree of contempt in my own description because uhm, it's not an healthy thing to do for someone with depression. I cannot really be too detached sorry. I try.


I always over-react. When I'm confronted with distorting mirrors of myself I just can't help but become even more stubborn than usual. I keep banging my head against a virtual wall. The picture of what I could have been if I had been different shakes me up and I crack for a short while. It's almost like I'm not sure if I can be myself anymore. Two roads open up, one is clinging desperately to my ways, the other retire and apologize and formally accept that we all have our ways. I do one and the other and when I get more shit I end up writing here like the dysfunctional person that I am.
If they weren't so similar to me in some things there wouldn't be any problem. They would just be like aliens and I couldn't even attempt to communicate with them. But no, they are what I could be, what I could have been if things had been different. We read the same books, listened to the same music, appreciated the same works of art. Have similar problems. I feel like I'm murdering my brothers sometimes, and that I have to to save them from straying away. I become preachy and confront enemies the same way an abusing mother educated her son. Kick them and they'll learn.
I alternate between niceness---no, kindness, and this contempt I call pity. I'm never sure. I cannot be sure if I'm right or wrong, and I don't mean if my IDEAS are right or wrong. I mean as in AM I MYSELF RIGHT OR WRONG? It's my personality based on illusion? I tell them their is, but am I actually telling myself so? (note: my god this is starting to be very stream-of-consciouness, making barely sense)
I become illogical, trying to show how logic isn't everything I lose everyting that is logic. Trying to reach a complex vision I end up being too simple. It's like I see and feel everything at once and I can't explain it entirely. It either comes out as confusing and watered-down or fixed and dead.
My point is that everybody and everything is right, but I cannot really say it and then I end up showing only one side of things. I act like people could read my mind just because we have read the same books. It feels like I never make any progress, I just keep myself from regressing.

There is nothing like scaring them, and see how they pretend not to be scared. I know from experience that when you are scared you become aggressive. But there's a time when you accept someone might get hurt and apologize, or at least let go. I'm afraid and angry, but I retain some feeling of respect for others. I'm able to apologize, or to let go, I think it takes courage to do so in a world where courage is mistaken for cowardice.
Those who think they are superior are never ready I don't say to admit their mistakes but to pretend to at least and smooth things out. They love a good argument. Mostly they are really scared deep down inside. I'm scared as well,
Of course you can't win with them, but deep down inside you know you already won so many times. The people who are nice to you, inspired by you, show it. No amount of twisting your words and freaking out when confronted with a part of the truth they cannot deal with can take this away.
Vision becomes confusion, courage becomes cowardice, feelings becomes cliché, pride becomes arrogance in their minds. Unable to entertain two contrasting ideas at the same time. They think is not logical I guess. Like the world could be explained adding 2 and 2. They get scared of seeing the big picture, it seems so hostile and sterile to their immature minds. Movement, fighting, emotions they can't deal with and yet they are soo emotional. Emotions are not feelings, a scheme is not a vision like Cohen used to say. They need art to shake them up because otherwise they are the ones being sterile and dry , I need it to calm myself down and reach a state of bliss because I'm already troubled by too much feeling as it is.


Tonight/today my self-esteem is going way up and way down. Usual cyber-fights with stereotypical youth. I might be a stereotype as well, the starry-eyed artist one, but at least MY stereotype is slightly more civil than theirs.

Current Mood: i seriously don't know

Sometimes, even in the more heated argument when I'm forced to confron the shadowy not so nice parts of myself, I still take pride in my ability to size up people in a way that is almost amazing. Maybe I just comfort myself with the belief I understood someone while they didn't understand me, maybe I just put this talent on a scale that weighs heavy from stubborness and arrogance on the other side. Still it's something I can do. Not that I can do much else, so it's allright.

Current Mood: awake
Current Music: something by christy moore

There's always something wrong. I can't have relationships of any kind, even though I love people especially certain people. I try to do my best but I guess I'll end up acting like John or something. But I don't think so, maybe a bit...some people, they are too sensitive, even more than me I guess. I think she needs help more than an apology, and I mean it in a nice way. What the hell, I'm not making sense at all today. Bad cold, now sadness and anxiety.

Current Mood: disappointed

What's up with people saying he's getting worse on the last couple records, and that he can't sing?

Are we listening to the same Ryan Adams? The best singer of my generation? Last time I checked unless you're singing opera singing wasn't about hitting all the right notes. Sure, that's one big part of good singing. but more important are sounding effortless and smooth and moving. The man can sing any damn way he likes it, no matter which register he is in he always sounds comfortable.

He never sounds like he's trying hard to do something and failing at it. That's what bad singing is. I like bad singing as well sometimes, as long as it's emotionally charged, but in this case he's simply singing STUNNINGLY.

Current Mood: quixotic
Current Music: Ryan Adams- The End

Well...slowly slowly, the Devil's Blue Ribbon is taking shape. I'm trying to adjust the volume at the same level but I can't. I need to work on it a lot, even though the songs themselves and the mix etc. is ready.

It's supposed to be lo-fi but it's also supposed not to make people (people with a good musical taste at least) run away *too* scared.

My lyrics and my voice are already scary, and my playing is scary as well even though not in a good way I'd say. So the quality of sound can't be "too" fucked up I guess.

Current Mood: artistic
Current Music: Beth Orton- I Wish I Never Saw The Sunshine

Some people really have a strange perception of what sucky means. Now everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but not liking something just because it doesn't give you indie cred it's not having an opinion.

And sadly that's what some people do.

Current Mood: nauseated
Current Music: Orenda Fink- Invisible Ones Guard The Gate

++ orenda fink's new brand site. her myspace page. the album i'm going to get soon..
++ saddle creek's DVD that I probably can order at FNAC without having to do strange tricks with credit cards.
++ my period doesn't hurt
++ mood okay



--bit anxious
--john (obviously)
--i can't fucking join a bright eyes community except one where people act like HUMAN BEINGS. Not silly teenyboppers, not intellectuals trying to pose as ignorant teenagers because it's cool, not idiots with no idea of humor is, not zombies that don't post at all. Thank god for lovenothing.
-i have to study geography
-gretta leaving cursive

+- my pretty little depressing album is half finished but I suspect it sucks
+-going back to work at the end of this month

Current Mood: uncomfortable
Current Music: the mollys- on we go

You might "own" me, but I own all the words.

Current Mood: bitchy
Current Music: Elliott Smith- Speed Trials

Bright Eyes/The Faint the other night, it was pretty good. The Faint are not really my cup of tea but they're surely great at doing what they do, they put out a really good show. Bright Eyes not as amazing as in Milan; but I think that Digital Ash isn't an album that comes out well live. Still fucking good anyway.

I'm nervous, depressed and feel like shit. Just feel like bash someone's head in. Mostly my own head.




I'll be posting the pics later, the few I could take. And maybe a review.

Current Mood: moody

How weird is life sometimes.

I miss John so much.

Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: the handsome family- tin foil

It's hard to sympathize with the usurpators of anything that is good and worthy in life.


Keep walking on your road and don't cross mine. You can learn the letters but you will never get the phrase.

Kids reading books they will never understand, just because they have a formal education and some brains. Constantly missing the essence, being so scared of the essence that they will dismiss every word you say as stupid and not important.


I don't have time for cowards. I don't have time for rage.

Current Mood: frustrated

Tonight my dreams rebelled against me.

I wonder what it means.

Current Mood: confused
Current Music: Damien Rice-The Blower's Daughter

I'll be 26 tomorrow.

I'm happy because I'm going to get an Ipod and some money for records and presents for my friends (because two of my best friends have their birthday close to mine)and maybe even books for uni.

I'm sad because I'm going to be FUCKING 26!! That's almost 30, folks. I haven't done much in 26 years. Still stuck at home in college, all paralyzed by a mix of laziness and depression. Sometimes I can't understand where the depression ends and when my laziness and selfishness begin. I'm not depressed now though. I SHOULD probably be, cos my John is nowhere to be found and I still have

But well I'm only sad anyway.

I really liked turning 23,24 and 25 thought. I hated turning 19 and 20. Maybe I will be happy to turn 27, 28 and 29. I don't know.


I got the birthday blues. I feel like an old spinster or something.

NB: and yes I'm listening to my own stuff. eh....

Current Mood: sad
Current Music: dora reever one gal band- collapsar

I'm feeling kind of weird today. Hormones I guess? Lots of dreams, from the totally depressing to the funny almost sexy ones. I woke up very late with my back and legs hurting badly, stomach burning.
I'm also emotionally fragile more than usual (and the usual is already a lot). Some idiot just called me an idiot. Now it's not like I'm pleased when people call me an idiot, but right now I feel like crying. That's really stupid. I cry sometimes when someone doesn't give me the respect I deserve (like any other human being), but it takes more than being called an idiot. I don't know. I'm feelin like a real idiot. When I'm already upset for something I can crack because of small silly things, but I wasn't particulary upset today that I


(this part is a self-indulgent rant, bear with me)

It's really funny how some people try to understand my world and only get the less important aspects.

You can keep listening to all your indie bands, read your beat authors, dress smart, notice every typo or mistake, but you will always be like those who wear a cross around their neck and read the bible then they go back home and beat up their children. Or they refuse to give a beggar a small amount of money and a smile.

Current Mood: uncomfortable
Current Music: Townes Van Zandt- Dead Flowers

I'm missing John so much. Why can't I a fucking normal life with love and relationships and not just be "ok" but actually happy. I know I ask too much, and most people aren't even ok, but I had a glimpse of happiness and now I miss it.

:(

I'm not depressed really, well I was last night a bit, but I can't help but think that I was so happy to have found him and now he's hiding somewhere and I dunno where and how he's doing and if he still likes me or what.

That's quite sad it isn't?

I try to make the best out of life, but there will always be something missing without him. I don't think I will ever really love someone so much.

I'm condemned to die as an old maid. Because now my standards are so high I won't be happy with your average love. I want something bigger and better.

Current Mood: nostalgic
Current Music: Elliott Smith- King's Crossing

I got a few songs, the idea for the album, the title, the cover (almost). I'm still not sure if I should leave it as rough as it is, or make it *slightly* more...listenable. The levels are all fucked up right now. Maybe too much? The arrangements, performance are allright though so I just think I got to adjust levels. Take the hiss away. On certain tracks at least.

it's kind of short now, lasting about 23 minutes, maybe I should add some songs? Or make a small EP thing with more positive songs as a contrast?

Hmm, hmm.

I also think I will update/redo my site, concentrating more on music/art than on my personal life.

I should also write a draft for the graphic novel I want to do.

Damn it I'm supposed to study actually, but I'm bored with university. I don't want to be there anymore. But not to be there anymore, since I do not want to quit after all those years I worked and all the money my parents spent on me, I have to pass exams and tests and to do so I have to study. What the hell. I don't want to study. I have other things to think about right now.

Current Mood: artistic
Current Music: Alex Chilton- The Letter (live)

I want to make a new record. I still got a bunch of unsold copies of the old one. But I need to do something. Something concrete.

it's going to be very intimate, sad and probably as boring as death. I need to record and document what I couldn't express a while ago because I was in the middle of it. Depression or any kind of mental trouble isn't inspiring. or better it is, but you're not lucid enough to actually work and do something with it. So now I think I am and I'm going to do something that probably won't be liked but anybody else but me. Or maybe not even by me.

it's going to be pretty dark and quiet I guess.

Old songs, new songs, contemplative songs, not too much story-telling. Well some of it.

Current Mood: creative
Current Music: Damien ERice-The Blower's Daughter

After a long time I'm off to play some guitar, record some songs.

I should study for the sociology exam on tuesday actually. But I just want to play now. And sing. I hope the vocal band with Lavinia turns out good, damn we need some men to back us up I do not want to do the usual girl-duo thing; I want some shambolic but melodic 4-parts quartet.

'kay I go play ;)

Current Mood: artistic
Current Music: Absinthe Blind-The Dreamers Song